am I fooling myself?

So I’ve been to countless, literally countless I stopped counting at 30, interviews over the last year. I’ve sent out literally 250-300 resumes in over a year and nothing. Still no job.

“The economy is bad” really? huh…I hadn’t noticed…from the news telling me everyday or the interviewer mentioning how the salary won’t be very high because of it. I don’t care about the economy and I don’t care that my job will now pay 1/2 of what it paid me when I had to leave my previous position just over a year ago. I just need a damn job!

What my biggest concern is, other than getting evicted from my apartment in a month when I can’t afford the rent, or not being able to buy food or paying the electric bill or the $60 it takes to fill up my car every 2 weeks so that I can go from place to place only to be turned down for one reason or another, oh yeah..biggest concern…my bad, sidetracked as usual….am I fooling myself that I can even hold down a job due to this damn fibro?

I’m scared to death to go back to work. I’m not gonna lie. I can deal with the daily headaches by taking more Aleve, I hope. I can deal with having to stretch at my desk once every 30 minutes, I hope. I can deal with the horribly uncomfortable shoes every day by using fancy inserts, I hope.  I can deal with the frequent trips to the restroom with some good smelling spray, I hope. I can go to bed at 9pm every night so that I can get up in time to do yoga before I get ready for work so that I’ll feel better, I hope. I can deal with the fibro fog that I find myself in during almost every interview, I hope.

Who am I kidding? This damn fibro has taken over my life in every single way, shape and form. I go a couple of months thinking…..’man, I am doing so good! these supplements and yoga is making me feel so good!’ Then I go out into the real world and attempt to simply interview with someone….I forgot how to say my own last name today. No really, I did! I said it all stupid like, then attempted to correct myself which only lead to further embarrassment.  I’m sure that the VP I spoke to today reamed the poor HR woman who invited me in to talk to them after a short phone interview yesterday, for even inviting me in! I was a bumbling idiot and found myself simply stopping in mid-sentence forgetting what I was saying! I felt like a complete moron and it’s not as if I can explain the problem because then the job really won’t be offered to me!

I’ve always been the main bread winner, only meaning that I made more money, not that the Wife doesn’t work or pull her own weight because she certainly does. So this is really really hard for me to think that I’m going to take some crappy $10/hour job after making $35/hour for the last 6 years. It’s hard to accept the fact that I can no longer do what I love to do and what I am damn good at!

How exactly does someone just suck it up and realize that the life as they knew it for so long is over? And some new, less satisfying life is taking over and you have no control over it? I’m a control freak, I know that. Most of us fibromites do know that. I’m willing to give up control but why in the hell do I have to give up my happiness too?

I have exactly 3 weeks left before I am in over my head. I think I’m fooling myself. Fibro you suck!

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About fibrorelief

I was diagnosed with FMS, IBS and CFS 3 yrs ago and after trying all the medications, I've been determined to find relief naturally. View all posts by fibrorelief

2 responses to “am I fooling myself?

  • Mariann

    I hear your frustration,I was diagnosed 06′, lost 6 months of work and had to leave. I filed for disability. Daily housework does me in, and remembering things is getting worse. I’m also searching for natural supplements to help. I’m reading Dr. T. book From Fatigue to Fantastic again. 🙂
    And I love reading your blog!!!

    • fibrorelief

      Thank you Mariann! I’m glad you enjoy reading it, I also enjoy yours! I’ve been toying with the disability idea for over a year. I feel like I’m too young and if I can only get a few more years in maybe it’ll be better for us. I’m sure I’m just fooling myself with that idea…we shall see! haha! Let me know how the book is, I’m always in the market for a new book to read! If you read my blog, you know what supplements I take and have tried, I know its a process finding the right ones. Hang in there and give them each time to work before moving onto the next! Have a great day!

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